Tag Archive for 'narcotics'

A Whole Lot of Ouchie.

Blogging is a nice, efficient, quick and easy way to get some writing done — published, “out there,” available to the masses. It has its limitations, however… most annoying, needing a computer of some kind for efficient blogging. Yes, I can update from the iPhone/iTouch or other handhelds without too-badly straining thumbs, but the process is slow. Slower, anyway, slower than handwriting.

Being on the computer hasn’t been so easy for me recently; I haven’t been feeling well, I haven’t been able to sit up and use the computer very much. Long story short — nasty medication side-effects messed me up. Pretty bad.

I haven’t been able to write as much as I’d like; insofar as that effects my abilities I’m not sure, but my spurts feel rather cyclic.

Sometimes there’s so much on my mind, it seems incomprehensible that I’d ever have another moment staring at an empty page or empty lines without remedy. Hours pass as I struggle to maintain composure — my shoulder is agonizing and my body is shaking in pain and anguish. I want to stop writing… I need to stop writing… however, I can’t. I can’t put my pen down; there’s too much on my mind, and I think to myself, “what if I forget something later?” I feel like my day should contain more than twenty-four hours and I curse my pain problem and feel drowsy from the meds. Many hours pass, and eventually, my concentration breaks and I close my eyes for just a moment longer than a blink… I momentarily doze off mid-sentence, followed by a jolt — a startling sensation reminiscent of a myoclonic spasm. I am forced to quit, say to myself “I’m done,” and rest. Dozens of previously blank, untouched pages are now filled with fragments of me. Almost Bradtastic, indeed.

Continue reading ‘A Whole Lot of Ouchie.’

Explanation of inevitable pain, thwart destruction

I sometimes do ugly stuff when I’m feeling sick, and I’m past my limits to tolerate the pain I’m always stuck with… I feel bad about it, but when I can’t sleep, can’t eat and can barely move

life then, just doesn’t feel worth living.

DURING THE BETTER TIMES I’ve experienced some of life’s great pleasures and wonderful experiences. I’ve met some of the most interesting people, some beautiful women with wonderful personalities and gorgeous character. During these times, I’m still in pain but I feel great; I’m in my element and it shows.

I love having people come up to talk to me, a group of women during “girl’s night out,” ignoring the groups of men and the pairs of guys (trying to pretend they’re too cool and not interested.)

The guys gawk and can’t understand how this tall, thin and possibly frail, injured, flawed, long-haired, dark-sunglass wearing Asian is getting all of this attention.

I hear “is he famous?” “I think he’s a model,” “I’ve seen him before, he was with that blonde, remember her?” It’s all in the distance… they’re too-timid to move into my territory. I’m clearly under the social-spotlight, and I enjoy the adoration. I don’t own the club, bar or venue… I do however, during these moments, dominate the ground I stand on and wouldn’t want it any other way.

I want to share these joyous memories

I want to document them; without actually seeing it happen, many can’t understand, appreciate or even believe that these stories are true. During these good times, I’m not looking for sex. I’m not looking for love… I’m finding company, personal connections. I’m entertaining and being entertained, it’s as if my soul is taken care-of by these events. The flattery is a welcome ego-boost; arrogant as I am, I know my flaws and I know my weakness…

I know that at almost any-moment, without warning, I can be stripped of it all and I’ll be sent spiraling-downward,

forced to deal with tremendous pain and the agony of defeat brought-on by my condition—no outside force is ever so irrevocably damaging as the side-effects of narcotics and the withdrawal symptoms from not taking them as the mere-shell of the deeper damage, trauma, mixture of physical and emotional pain…

…slowly seething, swirling in a brew, the eventuality always similar or same: I’m going to hurt. It’s really going to hurt.

I’m lucky to have a few great people, willing to sacrifice so much time and energy to help me feel a bit better. It must be difficult to put-out so much with prior-knowledge that no amount of effort will ever FULLY alleviate my suffering. It can be a disappointment to try so-hard and never fully succeed or accomplish one’s goal… this I know.

This, to the great ones who’ve helped me, and continue to help me through: I love you, so very much. Thank you.